Suffering
by thegrottogirl
Summary: Lilah at another work party, feeling empty again.


Usually I used every opportunity that I came across in these work parties; they were a big part of my selling point after all who wouldn't crumble after being threatened with the truth about any number of things coming to light.

You might even say I enjoyed them, the dressing up, the flirtations, seeing exactly who I could fluster, the drinking and of course knowing that I would have more insight after it was over.

Maybe to the list I should add the fact that I knew by the end of the night I would be fucking the brains out of someone, that was definitely a high point. But after Wesley it started to become hollow and worthless.

That fucking bastard had affected my strategy he had put me off my game and it makes me furious now when I think about it because of course things come to pass and we knew that it would never work.

He doesn't remember me.

He looks at me and he sees Lilah Morgan the evil lawyer bitch from hell, the same thing that everyone else sees, if I had a heart or actual feelings I would have a huge fucking cry but unfortunately I can't afford such luxuries so I just don't think about it.

It just really cuts me up though because he used to see me as a person even if he never respected me at least he knew that I had to make the sacrifices, that I HAD made sacrifices but now that's all gone.

Angel.

How misconceiving can that name be? He is not an Angel he sold out. To the evil law firm yes that's right EVIL and after that he erased parts of their memories, his friends, he altered their minds.

He did it for himself so that he could forget about the screw up as a father that he is, well hey I hate to break it you darling but people screw up and they don't get to change it they have to roll with the changes but no not our Angel, Angel who can do no wrong, Angel who is undisrupted leader at all times, Angel who can't help but brood who is allowed to brood it just makes my blood boil.

Here I am at some kind of celebratory work party, for some untold reason and they are all here because now they are in charge, well as in charge as they will ever be.

I am taking up my usual residence at the bar just in the very edge of the shadows so that I am slightly more inconspicuous the any of the other patrons and for a reason, I am hiding from them I don't want to see their confused and slightly disgusted expressions and I don't want to see the warning in Angels eyes telling me to be a good girl and stay away from that certain ruggedly handsome watcher that I created.

I sip at my whisky thoroughly enjoying the sound of clinking ice cubes barely audible over the music.

I sit here in my shadows and I force myself to watch my watcher and the twig gyrating in time with the music. I make myself notice the content smile that rests upon his face because really I know this is they way that it is, this is the harsh cold reality he is better off without the knowledge that he cared for me that he felt for a monster.

He might have even thought that he loved me if only a little, but I am wiser I know that love is just an illusion it was convenience and that is all.

Upon my musings I discover that my glass is indeed empty so I smile at the cute bartender and lean forward that little extra so he can better admire my cleavage.

He raises an eyebrow in a fashion not dissimilar to my own and pours me another confirming my suspicion that he has no idea who I am, which in a strange way comforts me. I have no doubt if I told him his eyes would widen and he would stutter something unintelligible and give me the whole goddamn bottle. I toy with the idea for a while and then discard it in favor for another.

I beckon him over with one finger and lean in close to whisper in his ear

"See that man over there?" I indicate with my head and watch for the recognition that forms in his eyes as he briefly nods.

I give him my instructions and he looks slightly suspicious but nods in agreement.

And so I wait, still watching him but always careful not to look too interested and after awhile he comes to the bar, I slide further back my face and body now completely obscured by shadows.

The cute bartender notices him and with a glance in my direction does my bidding, just like I knew he would. He places the glass in front of Wesley.

It's Whisky, his favorite brand and malt and that's all.

This is all I allow myself my one little indulgence I watch him look at it, confusion evident and now he asks the bartender who sent it, this is the part that will either make or break my evening.

I watch the bartender closely trying to see if he will divulge my secret, will he follow my orders? Unconsciously I hold my breath and lean forwards just a little but more.

The bartender with out hesitation shrugs and says some crap about being terribly sorry and not remembering he points out that it shouldn't matter because he already has a girlfriend, he means the twig and I didn't tell him to say that.

Good boy.

I sit and watch those familiar lips curve around the glass as he sips and I know that I should leave now, even though this party is far from over and I have never left a party early before.

Bastard I refuse to leave and the balcony looks more inviting anyway and what's more it's far away from him.

Silently and with practiced stealth I slide off my seat, I turn so my back is to him and make my way to the balcony.

Out here there is nothing but the cool night air, a few smokers and a couple making out like a pair of teenagers, I steer clear of them and walk to the rail, resting my palms on it I feel the cool metal and remind my self that this is what I must be like, cold, hard and unfeeling.

It would be ever so easy to shed a few tears right now but I can't and even if I did what would be the point? Wasting moisture that my body no longer needs, some kind of Sympathy from some stranger? Really there is no use besides I'm too far gone for tears.

I let out a deep breath and relax.

Suddenly I feel like that I need a drink right now more then I need fresh air, more then I need to be away from him. I can handle it I've worked so hard not to let it show and there is absolutely no points in letting him have any small victory over me because he doesn't even know the game.

Mind made up I release the bar from my grasp and turn.

And there he is his drink in one hand and mine in the other.

I don't even flinch, I have become the woman of iron he can't hurt me anymore. I take my glass from him and begin to make my way around him.

"He told me"

His voice jars my resolve a little.

"How did you know?"

His question not at all surprising but still I find it hard to think of an answer, finally after what seems an age but in reality are but a few seconds I think of a feasible response.

"It was in your file, amazing the things that you can learn about someone from simply reading their file…"

I wonder if he will take the bait, he probably won't but it was worth a try and no one could say that I didn't give everything a try.

He doesn't take the bait as I had suspected.

"Yes files are rather enlightening Lilah, but you forget that now I can access those files…"

That's not entirely true, I do remember that he has access to those files, how could I have forgotten even though he has?

"Didn't you think that I would read what information you have on me at the first chance that I could get? I remember that it did mention my liking of whisky but not the exact specifics".

His look was hard, a look that I am not unused to and I could tell that he was more then just a little curious at how I knew such things about him.

Assembling on my face what I knew to be a smug sneer I made a face of innocence

"Maybe it was just a lucky guess…"

He looked more then dubious but I knew that I was better at this game then he was but I was tiring of it I needed to make my escape before I said something that could make things even more unpleasant between us.

"Lilah…"

His voice softened, a foul trick on his behalf

"…have you been…"

His brow furrowed as if he were searching for the right words

"…following me?"

Those were definitely not the right words, I had to play this part carefully, control my feelings of rage.

Faking nonchalance which had become far too easy these days I replied

"Don't flatter yourself lover"

Big mistake, well not really I knew that I would say it.

It hadn't just slipped out on accident; I knew that it would confuse him and raise questions in his head, questions that he himself could not give any answer to and what's more I enjoyed the vague look of panic that invaded his face I basked in it.

"What did you call me?"

He was barely able to choke the words out.

I sighed really this was becoming tiresome best to just go and let him stew in his knowledge or lack of.

"Look just forget it"

I turned to leave once again.

"Is that some kind of sick fantasy of yours Lilah?"

I had really just had enough so spinning around I stepped into his personal space making him move back so he was pinned against the rail.

"You know nothing!"

The words hissed out of my mouth and I felt raw satisfaction in knowing that I could still control him that little bit knowing that my words had the power to sting.

He looked my in the face and after seeing that he could not conquer it his eyes drifted down and rested on my scarf.

"Why…"

His words were starting to have a chilling affect on me and noticed that he was beginning to relax against the bar.

"…do you always wear a scarf?"

"I don't"

I forced the answer out and even to my own ears it sounded a little too quick.

"That's true" he mused

"Okay then let me rephrase that question, why do you always wear something to cover your neck?"

This line of question was not going to end well, I took a step back from him my hand reaching up to the scarf gently fastening it tighter, he stepped towards me and I moved back until I hit something hard, it turned out to be the wall.

"Maybe" he said while slowly invading my personal space

"They are to hide something, but what? Maybe bite marks…"

My eyebrow arched on its own accord he knew my feelings for vampires were not of the friendliest variety, one vampire in particular.

"Yes that's it isn't it? You are hiding bite marks… love marks"

That made me really want to laugh and I was increasingly becoming aware that he held control of the situation at the moment which was not good. I needed to regain control as quickly as possible and I knew how

"I think perhaps it is a mark of love"

I said the words while two fingers gently tugged at the edge of my scarf revealing a glimpse of the angry red scar that didn't seem to heal, not that I minded in fact I preferred the constant reminder.

Tugging a little harder the scarf began to slide down, he gasped and took a step back a look of shock entered his eyes it made me smile.

Giving him enough time to have a nice long look at it, I tightened my scarf and moved it back into place.

"I think perhaps" the words were sliding out of my mouth "you had better get back to the party. The twig might start to get worried and we would never want that would we?"

He looked even more confused then before. God I hope that bastard suffers.

"The…?"

Time to leave I decided, it was getting so much harder then I had expected to let him go.

I drained my glass then handed it back to him.

I reached into my bra and pulled out a one dollar note bill that I never left far from me and carefully I unfolded it so that he could see his own signature scrawled upon it. In my last moment of weakness I said to him

"I will never lose it again I promise" and then after letting my treacherous soul have one last parting shot I put up the façade once again and left him standing there with an empty glass in one hand and a half full one in the other.

I return to my barstool order another drink and watch him moments after returning move to the dance floor.

He wraps his arms around the twig as a slow tune is played and I smile at the cute bartender.


End file.
